Diablo (or Gav as I knew him) has been caught doing something bad...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1200037/Benefits-cheat-claimed-3-500-look-like-DEVIL.html

1. Patrick Bateman

This business man gets on the train at the same station as me and he looks and acts like Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho”. Every morning he pushes past me to get on the train first and I’m sure he’s got a very expensive looking business card and he probably takes a lot of coke and fantasizes about killing people with axes.

2. The Old Lesbian Couple

These two walk from my station of destination every morning in the same direction as me; they walk very slowly so I’m able to give a reasonable description. There’s the very tall one, somewhere over six feet with shoulder length brown and grey hair and there’s the very short one with red hair that’s thinning and grey on top. They look like an old lesbian couple.

3. General Ourumov

This man gets on the same train as me in the morning and he looks very much like that German actor (Gottfried John) who played General Ourumov in “Goldeneye”. Basically he could be a KGB operative hiding in a London office and living in Kent.

4. Heavy Metal Man

Heavy Metal Man gets on the train before mine on the way home, he guards the door in a black bandanna, wrap around shades and a grey army style waistcoat (with all the pockets) over a black t-short and jeans with a long wallet chain. He also has a satanic beard- you know, with just the moustache and a triangle of hair pointing down from the middle of the lower lip.

5. The Mother and Child

These two get my train home; both are blonde- the mother skinny and tired looking, the child chubby and chatty. The child often takes rubbish from her mum to put it in the train bin, which is usually near where I’m standing- the child fears me greatly and takes some encouragement to complete her mission.

6. The Juggernaught

This man keeps changing his face, I’m never sure what he will look like each day, but each day he is there, ploughing through the crowds of London to be the first out of the station to grab his free newspaper. The name comes from my perception of him and the film “Th13teen Ghosts”.

7. The Dwarf

This woman awaits the same train as me in the morning, she is quite incredibly short, but not an official midget. I first noticed her when she was wearing a rain coat that drags on the floor. She has stubby little legs that can’t possibly carry her around and yet she moves at the regulation London city pace.

8. The Blind Man

He has a black moustache and a baseball cap, a stick and a sandy coloured dog. He’s usually on his way to work, but in the opposite direction to me on the other side of the train station; I wonder sometimes what commuting is like when you can’t see all the other miserable commuters.

9. The Look-alike

This man looks almost exactly like someone I went to school with and could very well be the adult version of that school boy, except he doesn’t recognise me. Or he pretends not to. Either possibility vexes me slightly.

10. The Monk

This old man gets the same train as me and walks the same way to a nearby building, I like racing him from the station to my office- I usually win, but he has no idea that we’re racing, so I will always win as far as I’m concerned. He has a proper bowl shaped hair do, and is slowly going bald, one day he’ll look like Friar Tuck.

Here's a quick insight into my odd little world using my received text messages.

Names are as they appear on my phone and spelling is adjusted from text-speak.


Gemma The Goth – “Oh shit, if it’s from the porn report, I wasn’t paying attention, I was just walking in that general area! Hope it’s a good one at least! You ok? I found hot pants! X”

Gemma is an old friend, and also a Goth. She is here responding to my text that her photo is on the BBC website- it was a Goth documentary, not a ‘Porn report’ so I was left wondering what a 'Porn Report' is. She likes to add little things in about her day, in this case she’d just bought new hotpants.

Anna (That Belgian Goth) – “Sweet homoerotic loveliness. =) I’m ok. Would be better if I didn’t live in Herne Bay but hey... How are you doing? We should meet some time. X”

Anna is a friend from my university days, she’s also a Goth and she’s Belgian. I had told her I was re-reading and watching Brideshead Revisited (book and TV series) this was her response.

Brown Kyle – “Dude it should be me thanking you guys. I hope you had fun and don’t forget to get me on facebook. Cheers, Brown.”

Brown is a Medic in the army, we met him on a trip to Newquay and this was the last text he sent me.

Lurch – “Oh well played Cap, well played.”

Lurch is a good man to have on your side, we’ve been friends ever since the time he picked up this nickname, which was also the time I picked up the nickname Captain. I believe I’d just won an argument.

Mick – “Ha ha really, I was off my face man. I haven’t a clue what happened. I remember fighting with Yaz’s brother around 9pm then all of a sudden it was 6am and I was searching for my MD for ages then realised I’d eaten it all.”

Mick is an old school friend, he phoned me up one night whilst intoxicated, I wanted to know what had been going on.

Lurch – “FIND HIM AND KILL HIM you know how it goes. Good to hear the gig was ace. Not my thing, but such is. Catch you soon.”

I saw Lurch’s doppleganger at a Less Than Jake gig, I had to warn him.

Pete The Goth – “I must have my loony magnet on today.”

Pete is an Old Romantic as he was a New Romantic when it was a new thing, he used to live with Anna (That Belgian Goth). He updates me now and again as to what he’s up to.

Hannah – “Can you get some coke? Not cocaine, the fizzy stuff. XXX”

Hannah’s my girlfriend, she intersperses practical texts with fun ones.

Snothead John – “Oh dear God!! I look hideous!”

Snothead is another man with an unfortunate old nickname. He gets drunk with us on his rare nights off and texts me the results.

Mick – “Garden of Spoons”

Despite what it looks like, Mick’s actually giving me directions here.

Pete The Goth – “Never enter into a land war in Asia... true story.”

Another insight from Pete.

Hannah – “Don’t make me laugh out loud on a bus full of the living dead!”

I like sending Hannah funny texts when she’s someplace she’s not supposed to laugh out loud.

James Mcguire – “Dear diary, jackpot!”

I used to work with James, hence the full name. He just found out we were meeting in his favourite pub.

Tony Allen – “Slash!”

I work with Tony and he’s just seen me with my hair down.

Matt Lingham – “Revenge of the Fallen wasn’t as good as the first film, they were both average films, nothing special.”

Matt’s an old school friend who sometimes keeps me up to date with video game and movie reviews such as this.

Hannah – “Maab has taken it upon herself to riiiiipppp the hammock to pieces as Mina is trying to sleep in it. She’s going bezerk and chuntering away. Whatever floats your boat love.”

Hannah sometimes sends me updates on what our pet rats are up to when she’s working from home. ‘Chuntering’ is the sound a happy rat makes.

J Kite – “If the weather stays like this, I’m thinking Camber this weekend.”

J is an old friend from school who sometimes comes up with a good plan for the weekend, in this case a trip to Camber Sands.

10 VHS Films You’ll Always Find in Charity Shops


1. Ghost

Chick flicks don’t often come packaged in the same way as this one- with shadow demons, hauntings, possessions and creepy subway ghosts. Patrick Swayze ends up in a lot of charity shop video sections because his fans keep buying newer versions of his films.

2. Road House

Swayze is on the list again with this trashy bar fights film. More of a cult classic, fans of Ghost and Dirty Dancing probably bought this with no idea they were not its intended audience. Shame really as no film featuring Sam Elliot as a cowboy should be completely written off. When I was a kid I honestly thought that this actor’s name was Wade Garrett, turns out its just a badass cowboy character that Elliot’s never lived down (see Ghostrider, but skip over Nic Cage’s scenes if you really can’t stomach it).

3. Fargo

I hope that the reason I always see this film in charity shops is because everyone bought the DVD version- I’d hate to think that shops overstocked on copies or that gods-forbid people just gave them away. Distinctive in charity shops because the video case and cover are white with red writing and against all the black and clear plastic cases this film just stands out due to good product development.

4. The Matrix

It’s no insult to this great film that its ended up in so many charity shops because it just looks better on digital video. What you’ll find is that a lot of charity shops have the special edition of the VHS which is in a thick cardboard case which boasts of extra features like documentaries on bullet time- these vids come from 1999 and 2000 when VHS was dying but still trying to compete with DVD.

5. The X Files Movie

I guess everyone was just a little disappointed with this feature length episode of a classic 90s show. Almost as disappointed as when creator Chris Carter tried to make it into another movie recently, this one called X Files: I Want To Believe. Honestly, we’d all like to believe that The X Files could work as a film, its just that Carter keeps proving us wrong.

6. Lethal Weapon

Classic action films tend to look less classic as the years wear on, Lethal Weapon is a good film as far as it goes, but it’s been parodied and copied so many times by so many other films, we forget where it all started. Since there are now 3 sequels and DVD box-sets to buy, people got rid of their old VHS copies. I did once find Lethal Weapon 1 & 2 as a double video set in a charity shop, it boasted “Twice The Action!” and an original price tag of £10.99!

7. Stargate

I remember when, back in the day, you went to buy Independence Day (ID4 if you like stupid add-on names) and you got a copy of Stargate for a couple of quid (or even for free when it became clear that Woolworths had too many copies). Good movie as far as it goes and it spawned the seemingly unending TV series and spin-offs with that Macguyvor bloke doing the Kurt Russel role.

8. The Shawshank Redemption

A classic prison film based on a Stephen King novel, people basically went out and bought special edition copies on DVD and ditched their old VHS copies. I bought a wonderful VHS copy from a charity shop that was black all over with shiny silver lightning for the title- that was it, no quoted reviews or even stills from the film, just black case, actors’ names and title. The days of VHS were simple days.

9. Starship Troopers

I’m sure they gave out copies of this film like it was a plastic toy in a cereal box. I love this first film in an ever-declining trilogy, but it’s obviously best viewed on DVD to show up those old school CGI aliens.

10. Snatch

Guy Ritchie’s second London gangster film- the one where he got bigger stars than Sting- can also be found in conjunction with his first and (in my opinion) superior film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. These two ended up in Charity shops due to the curse of coming out on both VHS and DVD in the early days of digital video.

A man on the train offered me his seat.

Does this mean that I look like a fucking pregnant woman?








Answers on a postcard, or a stamped, self-addressed envelope to receive a reply.

Further joys of working in London... And having the youngest, laziest and most pointless team in the office.

E-mail received by me at work yesterday -


Hi Nick

I hope you are well.

Unfortunately a customer complaint regarding the London Scanning Centre has been forwarded to me.

A member of staff has complained that your team are always either:

Sleeping or watching films

This complaint has come from an employee who's team members are facing redundancy.


I am aware that we all face various levels of workload, however, please ensure that you and your team are sensible when it comes to 'down time'. Please remember that this is a difficult time for many people so we need to be careful when we are not at our busiest!

Please let me know your thoughts on this matter asap.


And my response -


Hi Karen,

This is actually a familiar complaint. Due to the nature of the scan on
request workload, there are times when team members do not have any work to
do. The two temps in control of the scanning pcs often run videos or music
as well as the scanning program to make the work less tedious, this is
something that I can prevent them from doing if necessary.
In addition to this, we take our lunch break from 12 until 1 most days,
whereas most other teams here have 1 til 2 which gives the appearance of us
not working.

In recent weeks I've been working more closely with the team who are
creating the new scanning process and so I've not always been at my desk.
Perhaps me spending more time in the scan centre will prevent my team
members from taking such liberties with their spare time.


Regards,

Nick Downs


Team Leader

Couple quick things...

1. Yes, Hannah and I went to Paris for our birthdays, yes it was great. Ask me about it if you wanna know more or see photos.
2. Happy Birthday Jen!
3. Oh crap, they cancelled the good nights at The Beercart and I couldn't make it to the last ones...

Here's some lyrical content that I think needs to be shared with the internet...

"Sly Exit" by Ye Wiles

We walked on to keep the chavs at bay, it was such a bright evening, fair/changeable lets say.
When it began to rain, my hand went numb, my nauseous heart sank, but I didn't complain, it was such a nice place to get drunk.

Forget me - Fight it out, Fight it out, I don't want to see that, forget me - Fight it out fight it out, I don't wanna see that, if there's changes let me know, when there's changes let me know.

The view from here remains unchanged from a 1000 years ago, except for an empty fag packet that lies buried in the snow...
I would not change a thing except the percentage of this wine, and I wouldn't drink in the first place but it is such a good way to kill time.

Forget me - Fight it out, Fight it out, I don't want to see that, forget me - Fight it out fight it out, I don't wanna see that, if there's changes let me know, when there's changes let me know.

My decision - sly exit - stops me from getting bored, five pounds well spent - drink I can afford.
I wonder if I can return?
Or whether they will ever learn.

Forget me - Fight it out, Fight it out, I don't want to see that, forget me - Fight it out fight it out, I don't wanna see that, if there's changes let me know, when there's changes let me know. If there's changes let me know, LET ME KNOW. If there's changes let me know, when there's changes let me know.

Ye Wiles were the best thing to ever come out of Tunbridge Wells, and they are sorely missed.

I'll probably be asked about this a lot at the weekend so i thought I'd address it here first. The protests in London this week have - 

1. had no effect on my working life, except that i've been allowed to wear smart/casual clothes*
2. seemed rather confused, with no one able to tell me what it is they hope to achieve
3. been largely ignored by city workers not directly affected by them
4. become rather tempting to join

Much as I'd like to get out there and protest about something/anything along with all those others I don't think it will make any difference. I still remember the protests about the war (which we were told no to go on by our university lecturers) and that war is still going on and still being protested. I also remember protests in London about fox hunting (for AND against) and how the government went ahead and did what they wanted. I remember the university lecturers protesting about their pay and how all the students ignored them because we were all far worse off. It makes me think of a line from a song which I can't remember entirely - "No protest song, will ever change the world."

So I mostly want to join the protest because it looks like fun (the bits that don't involve brutality) and it would get me out of the damned office.  

Someone on the BBC said that yesterday afternoon, after the worst bits had happened that there was a 'festival atmosphere' this was very true - on my walk to the train station, there were lots of security staff and police eyeing anyone with long hair/dreads and leather jackets suspiciously. It felt like that moment when you leave the festival and suddenly you're outnumbered once more by the normal people. 



*What the hell does smart/casual mean? If I'm casual, I'm far from looking smart.

I feel the need to write this down now, as it's just happened and I'm feeling rather pleased with the outcome.

First, the background- recently my team at work got outsourced to a different company, we have the same roles, the same money and the same work load but we report to a different mission control now. We work closely with another team here, who provide the bulk of our work. This team is a lot newer than ours and has had problems with the way we do things, our attitude and the fact that we're just more likeable among the office drones. They have not been outsourced. This slight degree of separation appears to have them worried.

Today, the two heads of this other team came to see me for a pre-arranged 'chat'. I've got a couple of good contractor contacts within the building, that is to say people who don't care about office politics who get paid for the work they actually do personally, but who are not 'company men'. My contacts gave me a heads-up earlier this week that a meeting might occur in which I'll have to talk about the changes going on.

*As a side note I'd like to say that I have an A-level in communications studies- a subject that outlined for me ways in which people communicate and the theory behind non-verbal communication among other things. This knowledge comes in handy when dealing with business people who never say what they really mean.*

These two came into my little office and I verbally disarmed them by taking the initiative- saying hello and offering them seats. The seats they had to take were ones that I'd lowered ever so slightly, so that I sat above them, with my eyeline looking down on them. They asked me to tell them how I felt about the switch to my new company and the differences that made. I told them the exact truth- that nothing has changed with the work we do, merely who we ultimately report to. They asked if I had any difficulties with their team and again I gave the exact truth- we're used to dealing with them, nothing has changed so we can continue to do our work without any problems. I think that makes it 2-0.

Then they obviously tried to lead me onto another path by asking what I thought of the proposed changes with the work we do. My contact had already told me about these, so I was well-informed enough to say that I knew of the ideas, and that I approved of most of them. At this point, they seemed to run out of steam. Perhaps they were expecting me to have some sort of conflict of interest, I don't. I also don't have a problem with who I work for or loyalty. This is mostly because I don't care. I come into work, get done as soon as I can and get out again. No work comes home with me and I all but forget about it in my spare time. They left after just ten minutes, seemingly satisfied that I'm not selling company secrets or looking to steal a slice of their pie (or cheese, or whatever).

They think that they have a co-operative employee who will help them advance their careers so they think they've scored the winning goal here. I've manipulated them and continue to not give a shit about my job. Plus, my team witnessed their leader control a potentially dangerous game. Nick wins.

I am sitting here in my little office world, contemplating big thoughts... and little ones too.

It is no secret that I have a depressing and mind-numbing job, but today I am reasonably informed that for every job vacancy in this country there are approximately ten applicants. This means a nine out of ten chance of failure in my mind. So if there's not another job out there for me right at this moment, perhaps I should examine the good points of my current job.

1. I am technically my own boss. Rarely do I have to answer to a higher authority.
2. There's only about 4 hours of real work to do each day unless its particularly busy.
3. I've taken to making up my own standard of office wear and so my appearance is slightly more bearable to my personal standards. Still haven't had my hair down at work, but have taken to keeping my earrings in.
4. I forget what four was supposed to be.
5. I have the free time to write pointless entries on livejournal, watch dvds (Brideshead Revisited this week) and read comics/other blogs/novels.
6. I earn money for doing all this.


Doesn't seem quite so bad. Just wish I was more constructive with my time. Perhaps right now I should be looking at places to live/go on holiday to, while I have the time and money. There's also the matter of my lapse in writing to deal with...

A combination of boredom, depression, serial killer documentaries and Brideshead Revisited at work created the below doodle.

Can anyone add to my list?

I get bored at work. Very bored. So bored that I design my own stickers...

So, today I have been utilising Google Video to keep me entertained whilst I work... I thought I'd share with you the list of videos made available to me today.

1. Seinfeld - "Male Unbonding". I watched this to see what all the fuss was about, having never previously watched the show. It wasn't that great, in fact it was the typical slick, fast talking, homophobic american comedy show that we've all come to expect.

2. Viva La Bam - "Snake Ramp Driveway". A bit of fun, and a show I've watched even more than Jackass. I just love seeing what skaters do when they get too much money. In this episode Bam collects Hollywood 'flair' to cement into his skate ramp driveway. Funniest moment is Don Vito (Bam's uncle) being restrained in a wheel chair in order to stop him touching girls at the Playboy Mansion.

3. The Muppet Show - Episode 2 featuring Connie Stevens. I can't help but like this, I grew up with muppets in my life with the 'Muppet Babies' cartoon show and the successful film series (I like Muppet Treasure Island the best).

4. Farscape - "Premiere" and "Exodus from Genesis". More muppets, but this time Henson's workshop gives us weird yet believable alien creautres to compete with Star Trek TNG's 'forehead aliens' (where a new race was defined by forehead makeup alone). I simply cannot get enough of this show, I love sci fi at the best of times, but this is the best there is for me. So great was Farscape and the actors in it, that two can be found in the new Stargate tv series - Ben Browder and Claudia Black continue the sci fi legacy. I am currently reviewing season three of Farscape at home with that delightful invention- the DVD boxset. Long live Farscape.

5. Documentary - "The Ken and Barbie Killers". The title alone was enough to get my interest. This short made for tv documentary briefly touches on the case of the Canadian married couple serial killers. This lead to a nice discussion in the office about rape using animal tranquilisers, and to my last choice of the day which is playing in the window behind this one.

6. "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer". Always end the day with a classic. 

I had a moment today where I decided I hated everyone in the city, but especially at my place of work. I was convinced all human beings were ruthless, mindless bottom feeders trying to claw their way through each other to get self gratification. Then, a man I barely know gave me a wam friendly smile and said "Y'alright man?". This helped me regain some compassion for the human race. Mostly due to the fact that I'm sure that this greeting is not standard office policy, and was therefore intended to put me at ease because that's the way I talk all the time. Also, I recall drunken conversations at the Zurich xmas party with this individual which may help the cause.

Anyway... here's a doodle for you all.

And yes, it is on a post it note.

Painless Dan returns in 'Tuesday'...